TRIAL BY COMBAT!
BOB: Here we go, Allan. Finally, Mike Pence has come to his senses and allowed a trial by combat to decide the 2020 presidential election.
ALLAN: I really think, Bob, that this will unite our great country once and for all.
BOB: Without a doubt. Without a doubt. Oh. And there’s the bell. The combatants are entering the ring. On the side of hardworking, decent…
ALLAN: Real…
BOB: Real Americans… are Rudy Giuliani and the eight senators who voted against certifying the millions of illegal votes cast in Arizona and Pennsylvania.
ALLAN: And saved America.
BOB: Absolutely, Allan. And let me just take this time to thank the Capitol Police for ensuring today that no one stops this bold display of 21st Century justice from being played out in the capital of the only shining beacon of light left in the world.
ALLAN: Thanks indeed, Bob.
BOB: And here we go. Tommy Tuberville is attempting to gather his colleagues into a pre-game prayer circle, while their befuddled opponents enter the cage.
ALLAN: Why do they look confused, Bob? Isn’t this how they settle differences in their shithole countries?
BOB: You would think so, Allan. For those tuning in at home to the OACNN broadcast…
ALLAN: That’s the Obama is the Antichrist News Network… the men and two women you see before you of a darker hue are parents of children ripped from their arms at the border, and with who, I believe, they haven’t yet been reunited? Is that correct, Bob?
BOB: I think you will find it is ‘with whom’ they have not been reunited.
ALLAN: I stand corrected.
BOB: Oh my. There’s been a first casualty, without anyone making a step forward. Josh Hawley has torn off his shirt, baring his beautifully-chiseled upper body in a Maori warrior pose, and Cynthia Lummis has passed out, overwhelmed by Josh’s red-blooded American masculinity.
ALLAN: It’s an own goal.
BOB: Yes it is, Allan. Though soccer is not an American sport. I don’t care what anyone says.
ALLAN: No, sir.
BOB: And Senator Ted Cruz makes his move. A Mexican-looking rapist is now moving to meet him in the centre of the ring. He seems to be yelling something in Spanish at him. Do we have a translation on that?
ALLAN: He appears to be accusing Senator Cruz’s grandfather of being chums with Hitler.
BOB: Ted speaks Spanish. He’s not going to be pleased about that. Wait a minute. The senator appears to be getting on his knees. We may need to turn to a commercial here.
ALLAN: Oh, he’s tying the man’s shoes.
BOB: No one could accuse Ted of not levelling the playing field.
ALLAN: And the drug dealer in front of him is clearly confused by this display of American fairness. Wait a minute. The man appears to be teetering.
BOB: Is he drunk?
ALLAN: No. Ted has tied his shoes together! Man down!!
BOB: USA, number 1!
ALLAN: Wait a minute. They’re all going wobbly. It’s like a dashboard full of New England Patriots bobbleheads. The southern border invasion has been stopped in its tracks.
BOB: Allan, the senators are dropping too.
ALLAN: Like flies. What’s going on? Ladies and gentlemen, there is only one person left standing. It’s Rudy Giuliani.
BOB: What’s that smell?
ALLAN: Oh my God. It’s like Bigfoot meets a Mississippi graveyard after a hurricane.
BOB: Giuliani has broken wind.
ALLAN: This fight was over in less time than the Holyfield-Tyson fight.
BOB: And America’s Mayor is the only victor left standing. The GOP has vanquished the Latin American horde and won Trump a second term.
ALLAN: Once again, Democracy survives another test in God’s own country.
BOB: Stay tuned, viewers, for the award-winning documentary, Triumph of the Will, right here on OACNN.
ALLAN: Don’t change that dial.
(As imagined by DadHollywood.)