TREVOR NOAH’S EMPIRE

DADHOLLYWOOD: Trevor Noah, it’s a personal thrill to speak with you today. I think you’re a comedy genius in America.

TREVOR: Thank you. Some people do say that. Wait… ‘in America’?

DADHOLLYWOOD: Much like your predecessor, Jon Stewart, you are leaving The Daily Show on a high.

TREVOR: Yes, although I will continue to be funny.

DADHOLLYWOOD: Are you saying Jon has become a little preachy?

TREVOR: A lot are saying that.

DADHOLLYWOOD: But you have a plan to avoid Jon’s fate?

TREVOR: I plan to travel the world, speaking to people from all walks of life about how the British Empire has left them devoid of self-worth… but from a humorous perspective.

DADHOLLYWOOD: Got it. Many would argue that one of the few positive things to emerge from the legacy of empire is what Sajid Javid, former UK Health Secretary, pointed out: that Britain ‘is the most successful multiracial democracy on earth’. You’ve also been accused of ‘lazy stereotyping’.

TREVOR: But that last bit was said by a White guy. Rory something or other. Rory… a teddy bear hamster’s name.

DADHOLLYWOOD: Well, yes, I’ll give you that. I slipped that one in. But doesn’t Mr. Javid have a point? I mean, the current Home, Foreign, and International Trade secretaries are all people of colour. And then there’s Nadhim Zahawi.

TREVOR: What does he do?

DADHOLLYWOOD: Agreed.

TREVOR: Look, you’re attempting to trip me up with alternative facts, and I respect that, but the UK cabinet is still made up principally of private school educated White men.

DADHOLLYWOOD: And what about Therese Coffey?

TREVOR: Precisely.

DADHOLLYWOOD: You surely acknowledge that the UK prime minister is a practicing Hindu, whose parents are of Indian origin, and yet, hardly anyone has batted an eyelid… and thanks to his appointment, the markets have calmed, with the pound regaining much of what it lost under a Caucasian, Christian prime minister. Even the unassailable SNP has had the wind taken out of its sails.

TREVOR: Who are they again?

DADHOLLYWOOD: Exactly.

TREVOR: To be fair, this is why I said ‘some people’.

DADHOLLYWOOD: Looking back at your original comments, though, you said, “You hear a lot of people saying: ‘Oh, they’re taking over, now the Indians are going to take over Great Britain and what’s next?'”

TREVOR: And if you look up the word ‘a lot’, I think you’ll find its definition envelopes ‘some’.

DADHOLLYWOOD: But, ‘a lot’ is two words. Or is it ‘are two words’? That always confuses me.

TREVOR: Now you’re being that tedious Brit… attempting to say what you mean. We’re much more liberal with language in the United States. Much more free. But I’d like to see how British society as a whole reacts once there’s a curry house on every corner, across the street from their local pub.

DADHOLLYWOOD: I was just a young lad in the 1970s, so I’d need to research that reaction. But I’d venture a guess it resulted in a revolution in takeaway container technology.

TREVOR: We’re getting off topic. Regardless of how many people from minority backgrounds end up resigning from Ritchie’s cabinet, the UK will never stand up to the scrutiny of a South African comedian who has embraced American victimhood.

DADHOLLYWOOD: It’s ‘Rishi’.

TREVOR: Who?

(As imagined by DadHollywood.)