Potty Training
I thought a good start to the DadHollywood life would be to give you my take on achieving the impossible dream… I mean, of course, convincing a toddler to use the toilet for number two.
5 TIPS TO GET YOUR TODDLER TO POOP IN A TOILET
So, you successfully navigated your way through potty training… well, halfway through. Number one was a breeze. You got your son to join a nudist colony for the weekend. There were a couple of accidents, but that’s all part of the process. Pee on your feet enough times, and even a three-year-old will come to the conclusion more baby wipes aren’t the answer.
But, still, when number two cannot be contained and your daughter maniacally searches for the hidden stash of Muppet Baby diapers, here’s a few things you have in your arsenal:
BRIBERY
A toddler would kick a cane out of a 95-year-old’s hand while crossing the street without thinking twice if there’s chocolate to be had. Oooh, you don’t want your child eating chocolate? I hear you. I live in California. I tried quinoa. Give it a go, and then cross over to the dark side. Dark chocolate improves brain function, by the way… or some such cognitive thing. Tell yourself whatever you need to. Let them unwrap the chocolate, savour their victory. They’ll be hooked. Once an addict, a single M&M will produce results.
PEER PRESSURE
“Billy doesn’t wear diapers anymore. Don’t you want to be a big boy like him? I hear he has Infinity War underwear” (okay, that is treading into bribery territory). Choose wisely. Pick the friend who likes to sit in the corner making animal sculptures out of boogers, and the argument won’t carry much weight.
JUST ASK
…all the time. They will say no, as that is ingrained in their DNA. But, badger them enough, and just maybe, at a certain point, your child will come to one of two conclusions…
Oh, wait a minute, yes, I DO HAVE TO GO… NOW… RIGHT NOW!
– or –
If I go, will this person finally shut up, so I can go back to watching those adorable pups on Paw Patrol? (What is going on with that mayor, by the way? She is constantly in peril and repeatedly puts her town in compromising positions. You expect me to believe that voters – even cartoon ones – would actually elect someone so unqualified? Oh, right. Never mind.)
BLING
If your grownup toilet were the shape of an open-mouthed unicorn or you climbed steps to the throne with Incredible Hulk hands for stabilization, wouldn’t you want to go? No, of course not. But, your kid likely would. Even if they just want to sit there and pretend to read the useless facts book with the funny cartoons you keep on the cistern… something might just eventually fall out.
CELEBRATION
Run around the house singing Hallelujah and clapping with abandon. Call Grandma on the tablet and tear up. Scoop your little one into your arms and tell her no one has ever in the history of mankind achieved something of this magnitude. You are so proud that you are going to risk contracting hand, foot and mouth disease by visiting the ball pit at your local Chuck E Cheese.
Whatever method you do try, DON’T BEG – children smell desperation the way animals smell evil. If they think they’re doing this for you; it’s not going to get done. It’s all about them.