NOT FOR SALE
Buying countries is nothing new. Alaska was a purchase and the middle of America was a purchase. I visited the small town of Butane, Missouri, to see what four residents make of the new American vacation destination…Greenland.
Ted and Marg Wheeler were high school sweethearts. They’ve lived in Butane all their lives. When asked about President Trump’s proposed purchase of the largest island on earth, Marg had a definite opinion to share. “I really think the problem with people today is that they aren’t willing to just sit down and talk things out. That president in Denmark, she refused to even hear our president out. She just said no. Flat out NO.”
Ted and Marg worked on President Trump’s 2016 campaign and look forward to working on his 2020 campaign. “It’s a great way for the community to come together and, you know, celebrate American democracy,” says Ted. “Since our state congress redrew district lines around all Butane houses where Democrats live, we’ve been able to deliver an 82% margin of victory to Republican candidates up and down the ticket.” When asked what happens if a Republican sells his house to a Democrat, Ted replied, “That’s what the census is for, so those lines can be redrawn.”
Across the street, lives the Vasquez family. Rob and Darlene occupy a house that is almost the mirror image of the one the Wheelers call home. Such is life on a cul-de-sac. Rob and Darlene, though only a couple yards away from Ted and Marg’s driveway, actually live in a separate congressional district. “It’s hard,” laments Darlene. “We have to take our trash to the dump, and sometimes the bags leak in the car. The smell takes a long time to go away. Marg and Ted have their garbage picked up by garbagemen. Of course, I wave at Marg all the time. We’re friends, and there’s more that unites us than divides us. We both have children who are in the top 98 percentile of their class.”
And what does the Vasquez family think of the president’s proposed purchase of Greenland? “Well, Rob has this theory,” says Darlene excitedly. “I do,” replies Rob. Darlene continues, her hand tapping Rob’s knee, “Rob thinks all these mass shootings have to to do with humidity.” So, a place to go where there’s no humidity would relieve the pressure? “Maybe,” says Rob hopefully. “It’s worth a shot, but only if Greenland wants to become American.”
Outside Rob and Darlene’s home, parked in the gravel driveway opposite the paved driveway of their friends and neighbors, is a Ford Focus painted matte grey, with the words “USS JOHN MCCAIN” painted in white bold letters along one side of the car.
Darlene once again leaps in with, “Rob was worried that with such a big victory for President Trump in Marg and Ted’s district, it would mean he would visit. We’re not fans, and we’ll leave it there. We figured he would avoid our street if he saw that.” Darlene points to the car.
Rob finally gets a word in. “Now that we know all you need to do to keep him away is to say you’re not for sale, we’ll just put a Not For Sale sign up in the front yard and repaint the car to its former darker grey.”
When asked about the car, Ted and Marg were surprisingly magnanimous about the eyesore. “I do believe,” declared Ted, ” in the freedom of speech.” At the kitchen table, their teenage son, Trevor, employs a staple gun to attach a “CHOSEN ONE 2020” yard sign to a wooden stake.
(As imagined by DadHollywood.)