HOLLYWOOD’S SUMMER LINEUP

With Hollywood seemingly capable of producing only remakes, reboots, and retreads these days, it’s no wonder awards shows have transformed into an opportunity to place a group of self-indulgent influencers in a goldfish bowl and hire a comedian to take the piss out of them. Listening to a character in the latest incarnation of a long-running sci-fi franchise utter the non-word, ‘phenomenons’ (it’s phenomena), was the final straw for me. I am eternally grateful for living in a time when VPNs allow those of us living in Los Angeles to access programming from around the world. My smart tv is permanently set to the GMT television schedule, enabling me to speak truthfully when I say, “I live in Britain and work in America.” A couple of the streamers are, on the whole, quite entertaining, as well… but they too will succumb to the inevitable corporate pressure to deliver surefire ‘hits’ to their stockholders. No experimentation in the empire, please.

As the silly season (the summer) quickly approaches, I find myself imagining the fare the terrestrial and basic cable networks will thrust upon us, in a vain attempt to tear our eyes away from two-minute social media comedy clips about doing the laundry, or some such innocuous, safe subject matter.

So, here goes… my TOP 5 PREDICTIONS for your July 2024 Wednesday night viewing:

PEPPERMILL – After refusing to tow the party line and state on the record that the most recent U.S. school shooting was acted out by violent performance artists using plastic bullets and tomato ketchup, a state senator loses his primary race to a podcaster/Bigfoot hunter turned politician. No longer able to afford to pay for his mistress’s abortion and give his son an ivy league education, his first born is the logical sacrifice. Young Zachary must now attend community college, where he falls for his hunky, working-class roommate, Reggie. Can Zach learn to stomach Prosecco after a lifetime of Champagne?

THE WALKING DEAD: OUT OF SIGHT – Due to their heightened senses of smell and hearing, the sight-challenged aren’t as vulnerable to attacks by the herds of zombies as you might think. And they still run faster than most pre-teens… especially when there’s a service dog involved. DAREDEVIL meets DON’T BREATHE.

THE WEST WING: THE STATIC YEARS – Congress hasn’t passed a bill into law in three years, as no lobbyist represents the American people. The President’s communications director, CJ, walks swiftly down the halls of the people’s house deliberating in iambic pentameter over how to get the Canadians to align their Thanksgiving celebrations with their cousins to the south. (This is the basis for the story arc of the first rebooted season.) Final episode… the Canadians will agree to move their Thanksgiving to the last Thursday in November if the Americans will agree to celebrate the birthday of the long dead Queen Victoria in May. Might ‘Old Vic’ bring an end to the congressional stalemate?

THE FIRST OF US – Before there was fungi there was mould. No specific plot. The show will just copy every post-apocalyptic series that came before it.

THE SAUCE – The success of THE BEAR inspired this tale of a mixed-race, non-binary Puerto Rican, who learns they are the illegitimate child of an antebellum bigot and his only heir to a BBQ empire. Wait’ll the small-town Mississippi brand headquarters gets a load of them! With their professional cliff-diving career ended by a run-in with a snapping sea turtle, this might just be the second chance they’ve been hoping for. But can they take the heat? Preconceived ideas about identity will be challenged, and hearts will be opened in time for the Christmas episode.

I’d seriously like to make the last one. Tracy Chapman and Juice Newton have already co-written the theme song. Call me.

If none of these take your fancy, there’s always MATCH OF THE DAY on BBC One.