BIGFOOT

My day began with a debate on why chocolate is not a breakfast item. Yes, daddy eats pain au chocolates and cereal with chocolate nuggets in it, but it is dark chocolate, which is good for you. In fact, it’s an anti-oxidant. No, you can’t have dark chocolate. Then there are the battles over what they are putting on youtube. Is that a video for children? I can’t tell anymore. Then there are the calls from numerous people who have all the time in the world on their hands, but, for some reason, I am better positioned to deal with whatever issue has arisen. There is the removing of suspicious objects from mouths, floating in chlorine with far too many toddlers for one pool, a grandmother who thinks it’s okay to call your bra and panties a swimming costume, and emails from colleagues who ask you for a digital file you’ve already sent them.

Then there’s afternoon coffee with some industry grandee who tells you the networks have been instructed not to take meetings with white, male writers, but if you attach a gay woman of colour, your project will definitely have a shot. Do I know any gay women of colour? Yes, I do! Several. One of them must surely be a famous show runner. Then there’s asking for a snack. No, raspberries are not a snack, daddy. A snack!! A snack!!!

I know, let’s go for a walk to the optometrist and stop at the park on the way back. And ice cream? No. (Screaming tantrum. ) Okay, yes. So, then this immaculate young man looks at me in my stained beige shorts and black socks with trainers and says, “Well, if you didn’t clean them on your shirt, maybe they wouldn’t get scratched.” I reply, “No, these scratches are from the children eating them and throwing them on the floor.” “Well, that doesn’t help, either.” No shit. “So, is there any product out there that can remove small surface scratches?” “No.” (Full disclosure: I tried the rubbing baking soda trick on the lenses of an old pair of spectacles. It does exactly the opposite of what the youtube videos says will happen.) “If you have the replacement plan with us, you just pay $25, and the lenses are replaced.” “Do I have that plan?” “No.” “You know what, I think I’ll just wait until the kids are much older. No point buying nice things.” Contemptuous smile from man with crystal clear eyewear.

Home to get ready for bed. Four-year-old bouncing off the walls. Out come the melatonin gummies. Might even enjoy alone time with the wife tonight. Nope. Eleven-month-old screams bloody murder when lifted down into baby prison (crib). So, I retreat to the living room and listen to my very first free audio book on Audible app. Well who knew Sasquatch could be so relaxing? I lose myself in the Great Bear Rain Forest every time the earbuds go in. Thanks to Mr. Zada’s precise descriptions and calming voice, I hear the pitter patter of water and feel the spongy moss under my feet. Get it. In the Valleys of the Noble Beyond will make you want to have Bigfoot round for a mind-melding session. Maybe you’ll even convince him to watch the kids while you pop out for a Kokanee beer run.