A SPOONFUL OF CHOCOLATE FROSTING

I have faced no greater challenge to date as a parent than my 4-year-old’s bladder infection. What the hell did females do in the middle ages?! When I first noticed my daughter’s urine had a strong smell to it, I blamed her Flintstones vitamins. But, alas, exemplary parents Fred and Wilma were not to blame. So, bring on the miracle cure… Amoxicillin. The first thing one learns about this drug is that it tastes awful. Well, not awful… vomitus. Therefore, drug companies have come up with some truly enticing flavours to make the drug even more delectable: rotten raspberry, bucolic bubble gum, sh$#y strawberry, winging watermelon. And yet, despite having the technology to take photos of planetoids at the outskirts of our solar system, no one has been able to create a taste-free amoxicillin that may be hidden in chocolate milk, pudding cups, custard, etc.

My daughter has nightmares about bubble gum now. Our pharmacist, his hands tied, was only able to change the flavour from bubba butt to white nationalist grape. Mixed with grape juice, it tastes like a fermented pile of fruit in the back of a pickup.

Yet, how to get the little darling to actually drink it? A pharmacist technician informed me that in her experience the best method was to sit on the child and blow in their face while inserting the oral syringe. The blowing is supposed to instigate swallowing. Then, there are the other more traditional methods…rationalizing, pleading it is for your own good, raising one’s voice, explaining the dire consequences with tales of intravenous drips.

But then I remembered communism failed because it didn’t take into account human greed. I had tried bribing my daughter with a penguin bar. I underestimated her negotiating skills, and so paid the price with Amoxicillin all over the new couch. When new Paw Patrol toys and a tub of chocolate icing were dangled over her head, she took great joy in taking small sips from the glass of “juice” until it was all gone.

Our family now looks forward to “juice” time.