THE FAST LANE. You’re here to relax, take in the beaches and museums, maybe a hike. There’s no need to rush… so consider the fast lane. Here you can lounge at 49 miles per hour (when there’s no traffic) behind an olive green Oldsmobile blaring gentle 80s hits. Soft rock? It’s not soft enough; I can hear it.
THE SLOW LANE. Late for a meeting with a development exec who told you he’s confident your series idea about misery, misfortune, and misanthropy is exactly what Netflix is looking for? Take the slow lane. Few actually use this lane because people generally drive 20 miles over the speed limit here. Those in front of such drivers take drugs for anxiety brought on by tailgating. They quickly get out of your way and pull into the centre lanes once they’re 100% certain another vehicle is lurking in their blind spot.
HILLS. It is important to understand that most Angelinos are transplants from places known as ‘fly-over’ states. These places have no topography… just thousands of miles of unending corn and soybean. So, to these transplants, hills are as ungodly and unnatural as Congress. A hill is best tackled driving 8 miles per hour until one is certain its summit is not a cliff at the end of the world.
SPORTS CARS. Los Angeles is not Rome. Nor are its ‘free’ ways the American equivalent of the autobahn. Yes, of course, you would be wise not to pull in front of a Maserati or Lamborghini in Italy or Germany. Never fear these vehicles in the City of Angels… in fact, do get in front of them as quickly as possible to avoid delays. The drivers of these works of art have not figured out that their cars are capable of going over 25 miles per hour. It is worth noting the same can be said of MUSCLE CARS. These drivers are more than happy to create a great deal of objectionable noise by depressing the accelerator pedal. However, if you look closely, you will notice an electric scooter zooming past them at the speed of silent.
THE SPEED LIMIT. Are you a stickler for observing the letter of the law? Do you experience panic sweats when the speedometer needle slides one mile over the speed limit? Seek out a Toyota Camry with mismatched door panels and bullet holes in the windows. This driver has had run-ins with the law before and is keen not to be pulled over today. So, on that long drive back from Ventura, that feels twice as long as the drive up, seek out this car and pull in behind them for an uneventful drive home that is as reliable as cruise control.