MELANIA LEAVES ‘THE DON’ FOR BIGFOOT

BREAKING NEWS… WHO IS NEW MAN IN THE FIRST LADY’S LIFE?!

According to White House sources, the soon-to-be former first lady has come to the realization (some say too late) that her husband’s recent attempt to overthrow the U.S. government threatens her own legacy… and more importantly, her wealth.

“Melania met Sasquatch on a tour of the Pacific Northwest. He just stepped out in front of the car,” according to the First Lady’s Chief of Staff, Stephanie Grisham, who resigned last week, “and Mrs. Trump was smitten. She has a definite type when it comes to hair. And scent.”

After years of being in the spotlight, the Slovenian-born model turned children’s advocate has found true love in the arms of a man who isn’t on Twitter… well, a man who isn’t on Twitter because he doesn’t want to be. Bigfoot, as evidenced by his years of isolation, values privacy above all other things. Ms. Grisham suggests that with the cryptid humanoid, Mrs. Trump will enjoy the “best of both worlds”… seclusion with fame.

Donald Trump reportedly shrugged his shoulders at the betrayal, as relayed to him by White House Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany. “Next time, remind me to marry a woman who voted for me,” replied the president.

Some are casting doubt on President Trump’s uncustomarily calm reaction, though. Senator Ted Cruz privately commented to friends that he believes the president is actually an ANTIFA body double, and that the Real Donald Trump is being held in the basement of a Hillary Clinton-owned pizza parlour.

For the great patriot, suspicion was raised after he suggested to ‘the president’ at a business-as-usual Republican prayer breakfast that one of Trump’s last acts in the Oval Office should be to award the Medal of Freedom to the child-catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

There was no pause for thought, according to unnamed sources. “He just said NO. There’s no way that’s our president.”

(As imagined by DadHollywood.)