2028

As the 2028 Presidential Campaign kicks off tomorrow, I am happy to announce that I am running for President. My wife will become Vice President and will make all decisions after the first day, on which I will be a dictator. It’s true I was not born here. But my mother was an American citizen the day I was born, so under Cancun’s favourite senator Ted Cruz logic, I think you’ll find my lawyers will be able to delay any court rulings long enough that I’ll be just fine.

My platform: ALL companies will be required to answer the telephone with a LIVE VOICE. That’s it. Those CEOs who defy me will face the following repercussions: 1. ‘Please tell me the nature of your issue… I’m sorry, I didn’t get that’ will result in death by firing squad. 2. ‘Did you know that most questions can be answered by the frequently asked questions page on our website?‘ This will get one hanged, drawn, and quartered. 3. ‘Would you like to speak with our chatbot? There’s no waiting!’ The heat really gets turned up when you’re burnt alive at the stake while wearing earphones playing elevator music. 4. ‘We’re raising our fees in order to serve our customers better.’ Yep… skinned alive by the dull, rusty blades off an abandoned 1970s food processor.

I will be the first president in history to win ALL electoral college votes… and unity will be restored. Then I will cancel America’s independence and return the country to Great Britain in exchange for a lifetime supply of wine gums & whisky… and a Dukedom. (I’d settle for a knighthood, but I don’t want to lead with that.)